Jan 27th, 2012
QUESTIONS ONLY SCIENCE CAN ANSWER
Jan 12th, 2012
I'm sorry I checked her out, baby. You're prettier.
Jan 3rd, 2012
I don't understand arson, but I respect anyone with a hobby that gets them outside.
Dec 23rd, 2011
We all know it's about the gifts, anyway.
Dec 12th, 2011
I owe you jewelry after that comment, don't I?
Dec 1st, 2011
Make sure to keep an eye on the kids!
Nov 17th, 2011
It's been a quiet, wonderful few months.
Nov 10th, 2011
You too?! Well alright! It feels good to be in the 1%.
Oct 31st, 2011
Plus, I'm going to lie to you anyway... might as well pretend that I'm pretending.
Oct 26th, 2011
So how about we recreate the big bang?
Oct 20th, 2011
It's just that it's really cold out, and I'm very lonely.
Oct 12th, 2011
Despite the indecision, I always have my morning coffee.
Sep 27th, 2011
I should have asked her the Friday I got paid.
Sep 23rd, 2011
Although, I think Michele Bachmann is kind of a clown... so would I be raped by Michele Bachmann? Shiiit...
Sep 16th, 2011
They got double billed because it was a sexy dream and this ain't free.
Sep 6th, 2011
I didn't have the heart to tell her I owned a Kindle. It would have crushed her spirit!
Aug 26th, 2011
I kind of liked that dude, looking back.
Aug 17th, 2011
Because you WILL get to the hating eventually.
Aug 2nd, 2011
Yeah, no, the word perennials sells more.
Jul 26th, 2011
You worry too much.
Jul 14th, 2011
Seriously, Jesus Christ princess. Someone's going to have to want you baaad if you keep acting like that.
Jul 11th, 2011
I blame them for this country's problems more than I blame politicians.
Jul 5th, 2011
Come on cabbies, Jamal is a super nice guy.
Jun 24th, 2011
20% off four rolls or more of toilet paper! THUG LIFE!
Jun 13th, 2011
But I'll wait until after the burgers are done.
May 13th, 2011
The crazy thing is - it worked!
May 12th, 2011
I'll have the triceratops melt, no onions.
Apr 29th, 2011
One year later, Johnson made Vice President of Innovation!
Apr 16th, 2011
She told me that she aborted you. Let's get lunch and bond over how much of a bitch your mother is.
Apr 8th, 2011
Jet them pipes and clean the carb and I bet this thing would go 60!
Mar 31st, 2011
If reality is a matter of perception, your opinion matters very little to me.
Mar 22nd, 2011
Thinking too much leads to me eating my feelings.
Mar 4th, 2011
It's called liquid courage! And... being horny, I suppose. I see your point.
Mar 1st, 2011
Lol, okay Charlie Sheen.
Feb 11th, 2011
No, you can thank yoga for that.
Feb 4th, 2011
I mean, for fuck’s sake. Who has the patience?
Jan 28th, 2011
Here in Wisconsin, we get over our winter depression with good-old-fashioned binge drinking. Like real men.
Jan 21st, 2011
In five minutes he begins another conversation about where his life was going...
Jan 14th, 2011
And then I wake up and there you are - snoring like a fucking bear.
Jan 7th, 2011
She hoped she would get the promotion to Columnist soon.
Dec 30th, 2010
Her resolution was to stop sleeping with his brother. They were perfect together.
Dec 28th, 2010
Don't they know I'm trying to run from the collection agencies?
Dec 10th, 2010
Don't even get me started on orange juice.
Dec 3rd, 2010
Plus, opposites attract. DUH.
Nov 19th, 2010
Dom didn't mind that a ghost haunted the car. He loved the car anyway. Problem was, he always hated his goddamn uncle.
Nov 12th, 2010
Hoobastank! Digereedoo! By the beard of Zeus!
Nov 5th, 2010
It's a cover done by an old Johnny Cash.
Nov 1st, 2010
But she was always judging him. He couldn't win no matter what he answered.
Oct 22nd, 2010
'Wait, come back!' he yelled. 'I was kidding too! Damn...'
Oct 14th, 2010
There's probably a 'joint' pun somewhere in here too.
Oct 8th, 2010
One gray, snowy winter day I just might do it. I just might pull the trigger and buy tickets to Mexico I can't afford.
Oct 1st, 2010
It would be like spidey sense, but for rogue coins. You could see them through walls and underwater and shit! It's a long-term superpower...
Sep 24th, 2010
I predicted approximately what the kiss would feel like. I didn't predict you had a tongue ring.
Sep 16th, 2010
And even that old rich lady if she was up for it.
Sep 9th, 2010
I see. Then you should probably mold yourself a new sense of humor with it, because yours sucks.
Sep 2nd, 2010
Lock and load!
Aug 27th, 2010
She was 28. Do the math.
Aug 19th, 2010
I'm just fucking with you Lindz, here's the check for chld support.
Aug 12th, 2010
Extra pickles would have recharged your Chi. Let that be a lesson.
Aug 5th, 2010
I like mine with sauerkraut and bananas.
Aug 1st, 2010
That'll show them for forgetting my birthday.
Jul 22nd, 2010
She always meant it in the nicest way. Like when she described the
Jul 15th, 2010
But yes, I'm also heartbroken.
Jul 8th, 2010
You'd have to be crazy to live with Grandma for 50 years, though.
Jul 2nd, 2010
Sometimes our persepctive on life contradicts the most acute understanding of physics.
Jun 24th, 2010
It involves a car battery, a snow globe, a bag of feathers, a gallon of Vaseline and your mom.
Jun 17th, 2010
His name was Theodore J. Howard, and he was a republican.
Jun 10th, 2010
Without bad there can be no good.
Jun 3rd, 2010
I'm sorry I used Eastern philosophy to politely point out that you're a whore.
May 27th, 2010
It's a really good book!
May 20th, 2010
Sometimes appliances are all you need to save a marriage.
May 13th, 2010
Talk above birds chirping - am I right?!
May 6th, 2010
Well call me a bad person, but I sort of like the drinking and sex that go along with adulthood.
Apr 29th, 2010
You know, you’ve also become a know-it-all who lacks self-realization, so we’re even!